The Mindful Leader: Easing Up On Ourselves

This enables us to learn the profound but not easy lesson of letting go and being with whatever is happening, including those experiences that we do not want. This practice of inclusion and acceptance helps us to acknowledge what we’re experiencing – positive, negative or neutral – and welcome it. It’s a powerful way of being present in each moment. Probably more importantly it helps us to notice when we are giving ourselves a hard time and with kindness, ease up a little.

When Cathie Paine (CEO Designate REAch2), and I co-facilitated the first ‘To Be and To Lead’ residential programme for the Trust, we asked participants to rate certain sentences according to how much they resonated with them. ‘I give myself a hard time when I don’t live up to expectations’ got the highest score, with leaders saying that they felt like this ‘almost all the time’. Similarly I notice that the the leaders I coach, often minimize their truly heroic leadership, using phrases like ‘I just managed to…’, or ‘all I did was…’. Instead, they focus more on their shortcomings, often beating themselves up, and lying awake at night when they feel they are not quite measuring up to their own very high self-imposed standards. They are often kinder to others than they are to themselves.

Rachel Horne in her blog
https://www.empoweringleadership.co.uk/blog/2021/5/27/guest-blog-rachael-horn-headteacher-mount-street-academy-lincoln talks about how her mindfulness practice has changed her relationship with that which she fears saying: ‘I now have the skill to come up close to it and explore it. I have leaned into the fear with curiosity and kindness, got to know and then found my inner courage. I am now able to say ‘I might not like what has just happened, but I can face it and be with it without giving myself a hard time.’

There are two core elements to this practice of acceptance. The first part – recognition, comes through being mindful and aware of what is happening as it is happening, without getting immediately caught up in over analysis and judgment. The second aspect, compassion, is then responding to our experience with care and kindness, as if we were our own best friend. Rather than judging ourselves harshly for what we feel or think, we come close to the experience, with as much curiosity as we can muster, so we can fully learn from it what it has to teach us.

This practice of acceptance and learning is NOT approval, shrugging our shoulders and saying ‘whatever…’. It’s the opposite; completely and totally accepting with our mind, body and spirit that we cannot currently change the present facts, even if we do not like them. By choosing to radically accept the things that are in this moment out of our control, we prevent ourselves from becoming stuck in unhappiness, bitterness, anger and sadness, and can reduce stress, overwhelm, self-doubt and sadness.

Sian a headteacher in Tower Hamlets explains in her blog https://www.empoweringleadership.co.uk/blog/2021/4/16/guest-blog-sin-headteacher-east-london how opening up and accepting ‘what is’ has allowed her to understand herself and her team better saying:

‘I know when I am ‘armoured’, worried about and resisting what’s happening, and so am more able to recognise it in others. This has helped me to be more fully in tune with staff, thereby allowing myself to create a safe space for others. This is especially important when a “difficult conversation” happens and I want the other person to be open and honest about a tricky situation. It also helps enormously with developing that most important of cultures in a school: trust.’

Diana Winston in her book ‘The Little Book of Being’, taught me a phrase to use when in the thick of strong emotions – and it’s simply this: ‘may I meet this too with kindness – for myself and others’. It’s a simple phrase but when we give ourself a moment to stop, breathe and turn toward this intention, it can be very powerful.

Why not ease up a little and practice self – acceptance in the coming weeks by trying some of these simple practices and approaches:

1. Be aware of when you are fighting what’s happening. You might find yoiurself thinking ‘this isn’t fair’, ‘it shouldn’t be like this’, or ‘why me?’
2. Then remind yourself that this unpleasant reality is already here and can’t be changed. What can be changed is your response to it.
3. Stay with what’s happening. Give yourself a moment to investigate it, by naming what’s going on in your mind, your heart or your body. Notice how you might be caught in a limited perception of what’s happening so ask yourself ‘what else might be true here?’, to get a wider view of the situation.
4. Allow the feelings to be felt, and de-centre from them by saying ‘anger is here’, ‘guilt is here’, or ‘disappointment is here’. This helps avoid getting tangled up in the feelings and overwhelmed by them.
5. Then ask yourself – how does knowing and accepting this help me understand it more fully and grow as a leader?

Why is this important in leadership?

As leaders we can take everything personally. These practices allow us to de-centre a little from what’s going on. We remind ourselves that not everything that happens is a reflection of us. What’s going on at any given moment is generally not about you, it just is what it is. This perspective and practice allows us to pause, adjust and remain balanced, however complex the situation. That’s the key to Radical Acceptance.

As a leader I like to think of Radical Acceptance as being open to learning – i.e. simply knowing what’s happening as it’s happening, then de-centring from it, in other words – getting over myself – and being grateful for the leadership learning it offers.

Maggie Farrar is a leadership consultant working on mindfulness approaches to leadership and formerly worked for the National College Of School Leadership.

You can find out more about her work and join a global community of school leaders who are cultivating the practice of ‘leadership presence’ here https://www.empoweringleadership.co.uk/. You can also sign up for a fortnightly newsletter of practical leadership guidance if you are interested,