The Mindful Leader: 2

In this month’s blog I invite you to take to heart the words of Maya Angelou as we explore self-compassion and kindness.

‘ I learned a long time ago that the wisest thing I can do is be on my own side’

I know that the school leaders I am working with at the moment are ‘digging deep’, to find and sustain the energy to continue to lead their schools so they are safe, staff are supported and children are learning, they feel like they are running a marathon and don’t even know if they have reached the half way point yet. Richard Boyatsiz and Annie McKee in their  book ‘ Resonant Leadership’ refer to stress that has been ongoing for some time as  ‘power stress’ saying ‘the effects of ‘power stress’ do not allow the body, heart and mind to flourish and even the spirit may start to wane.’

Sound familiar?

We know how this feels, so how might we help ourselves to attend to it in these last few weeks of term? ‘Psychology Today’ recently explored self-compassion as a powerful tool for reducing stress. They found that because it can be applied liberally and frequently, and even pre-emptively before stress builds up and takes on epic proportions it’s a powerful practice for us in these times. Sounds like they agree with Maya Angelou.

Beverley Riddle of Morton Trentside Primary School gives her self a moment of self compassion at the start of each day. She deliberately tells herself she is good enough, secure in who she is and doing the best she can.

‘When I come into the office now and sit at my computer, I deliberately pause. I ground myself, I focus on my breath, I come into the present. I remind myself, with kindness; “I am Beverley, fully in touch with who I am and my principles and I am secure in this.”

I have tried to achieve this so many times in the past but have been easily caught up in crisis, driven and pulled around by outside forces. That no longer happens, I handle crisis and the daily ups and downs of school leadership with more composure. I am now able to respond wisely rather than reactively. I treat myself with kindness. This has helped me to find inner balance, tuning into my core purpose – what I call my “North Star”.’

So how might we build a little more self compassion and kindness into our daily work, so it becomes a ritual, something we practice frequently to balance ourselves and help us notice and manage levels of stress.

Try this two step self compassion practice. Even 2 / 3 minutes a day will help cultivate emotional wellbeing and reduce stress and the build up of pressure.

Be aware

Mindfulness, through awareness is the first step. Perhaps at the end of a day find a moment to sit quietly, in the car, on the bus or the train and ask yourself – what’s going on for me now at the end of this day and can I be with it for a moment or two? Allow yourself to turn, with kindness toward thoughts, emotions and sensations that you are experiencing. Allow yourself to be with whatever is happening , noticing and naming it, the feeling, the body sensation and the thoughts. Breath slowly and allow yourself to settle.

Offer Self-compassion and kindness

This is the second step. Perhaps imagine yourself as your own best friend. What would you say right now to yourself? What tone of voice would you use? What words would you use? Then finally ask yourself these questions and see what words or phrases come to mind?

• What do I most need right now to feel OK?
• What do I most need right now to feel proud?
• What do I most need right now to feel safe?

Ethical and courageous work

The practice of self compassion and kindness is not selfish or self centred work. It is not soft and fluffy. It is warrior like and courageous. It is ethical work. Professor Paul Gilbert describes compassion in organisations as a ‘change agent’. Our role is to help compassion in our schools to flow in order that it can be a change agent.

• 78% of us find it easy to be compassionate to others
• 16% of us find it easy to receive compassion from others
• 6% of us find it easy to be compassionate  to self

These statistics from Kristen Neff’s Kristin Neff’s research  https://self-compassion.org/ always strike a chord with me and they do the same for school leaders.

Our schools are places of compassion, especially for children, and many of us find it easy to be compassionate to others. But we find it less easy to receive compassion from others, preferring to show a strong outer self, able to cope with anything life throws at us. And so very few of us find it easy to be compassionate to self, waiting for a holiday or a weekend to truly attend to our needs. If we want our schools to be places of compassion, and of kindness where all who learn and lead in them thrive and flourish then like a 3 legged stool, the flow of compassion needs to be balanced. I suspect at the moment in many of our school it isn’t and addressing this starts with us, with leaders and our teams.

So in these last few weeks of term why not orient toward self kindness and compassion. Find that which nourishes you in school and seek it out. Have the conversation about ‘being on our own side’ with your team by noticing and talking about the effects of power stress. Then offer yourselves and each other kindness and compassion.

Maggie Farrar is a leadership consultant working on mindfulness approaches to leadership and formerly worked for the National College Of School Leadership.

You can find out more about her work and join a global community of school leaders who are cultivating the practice of ‘leadership presence’ here https://www.empoweringleadership.co.uk/. You can also sign up for a fortnightly newsletter of practical leadership guidance if you are interested.